Dreams of deformed children.

Wow. I disturb myself with the title of my own post, but the truth is, I have been having a lot of “dreams” that have to do with children that are in some way deformed. I don’t know exactly what this means, but I came up with some very dark and disturbing things when I tried to research it.

The first dream I had involving a “deformed child” was back in November of last year. It was a strange hypnagogic/waking dream where I woke up in my bedroom and watched as a very small person sort-of hobbled in through  my bedroom door and up to my side of the bed. I could not see the child’s face, but it looked about the size of a toddler and seemed to have hair spiking up from its head in what could have been pig-tails, but I couldn’t really see.

The child was probably less than 2 feet tall and could barely see up to the edge of my bed. I do not remember feeling paralyzed, which I noted, but I was so weirded out that I didn’t move while the little dwarf or whatever it was proceeded to grab me by my hair and whisper in my ear “I am going to kill you and everyone like you,” in a decidedly gruff, male, and non-childlike voice. At that point I think I must have jerked away and came to in my bedroom with everything looking the same as it had in the “dream,” minus the creepy dwarf/child.

Afterwards, I was fully awake and wrote down the experience and thought about what it could possibly mean that this creepy little villain would come and say such a thing. I decided that it would probably have to remain a mystery and managed to go back to sleep. Obviously this experiences has stuck with me.

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My next experience was on 3.12.12. This was definitely a lucid dream experience as opposed to a waking dream like the one mentioned above. A lucid dream is defined as any dream in which the person dreaming is aware that they are dreaming. I take this a step further and consider it any dream in which I am aware I am dreaming and am able to control my own actions. A waking dream, by contrast, is a dream or dream-like situation while one is awake or in the drowsy period before sleep.

This is how I recounted the dream to myself after the fact:

There was some kind of carnival or festival going on near my parents’ house, though it was not their actual real-life home. There were several people that I knew who were all staying at my parents’ house it seemed. I was standing in the dining room adjacent to the kitchen and some stairs leading up to some bedrooms. There was a woman with a baby standing next to the dining room table. The woman had her hair hanging in her face so that you couldn’t really see one side of her face. It became apparent to me after looking at her for a few moments that she was deformed on the side of her face that she was trying to hide with her hair.

The baby the woman was holding was also badly deformed and covered head to toe in some kind of rash. The woman handed the baby to me and I could feel the roughness of the bumps on the baby’s skin with my hands. I shushed the baby gently and worried about what would become of her, as she and her mother seemed to be in a bad state.

Suddenly I found myself in a new dream sequence on a college campus that I have visited before in dreams, and I saw no more of the woman and her child.

* a strange aside to this dream is that when I woke up I sketched this house and its floor plan on a piece of paper. A small while later I was scanning a list of homes for sale for my parents when a house with an almost IDENTICAL floor plan showed up. It even had a drawing of the floor plan, which is actually very rare for the particular website we were using at the time. If this were just your run-of-the mill ranch home I would be less surprised, but this was a detailed, three-story home with very specific features.

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My last and most recent experience occurred the very next night after the experience above, on 3.13.12. This one was very strange because I had this odd sense of being in many places at once, and it has taken me some time to wrap my mind around the feeling of being split into several parts and having awareness of each all at the same time.

This experience was both a waking dream and a lucid dream and I was going back and forth between the two every few moments. I am going to describe it as I wrote it down initially, and hope that it sounds at least halfway coherent:

I awoke with the feeling that there was someone in our apartment. Our bedroom door was closed, but I could hear someone going to the bathroom. My husband and son were both in bed with me, so it was not either of them. I tried to alert my husband of the intruder the best I could, as quietly as I could, but I was having that waking-dream issue of not being able to completely move my body and speak the way I wanted to. All I wanted was to be as quiet as possible without alerting the intruder that we were in the bedroom.

At this point I seemed to go in and out of consciousness several times and I was having a very hard time telling whether I was awake or asleep. Nevertheless, I attempted to hide my son under the covers and tried to think if there was anything I could use as a weapon if necessary, but I couldn’t think of anything.

Suddenly I awoke and walked out of my bedroom and found myself in what appeared to be an extremely shabby apartment. The rooms seemed to be devoid of furniture with the only items in the room being some boxes of things tacked in the corner of a room. I was running through the apartment freaking out a little bit because it was such a dump, and I didn’t really understand what I was doing there. There seemed to be one main room with doorways leading to different rooms (one was a kitchen), and hallways with more doors all around.

I ran into a hallways full of doors. Some of the doors had lots of locks, some had no locks, some had peep-holes, some did not. They were all a polished brown wood. They looked heavy and outdated, but not antique. I had no idea where they went.*

*Side note: It has totally occurred to me that at this point I was running around through my own subconscious, so let me just put that disclaimer out there.

I was staring around at the doors in dismay when I noticed an extremely small, deformed child sitting in the pile of boxes. The child was about the size of a 1-year-old, but I got the impression that she was older. Her face was obviously deformed. There was something wrong with her eyes. They may have been all black, but I can’t recall for certain. Initially I was shocked by the child’s appearance and a jolt of adrenaline went through my body, however, as with the rashy child from before, I went to her and felt sympathy for her and her condition.

I went to pick up the child and as I held it up before me to get a better look, it turned into a robotic child/animal hybrid. It was purple, it looked like a robot and was as heavy as a small child would be. I puzzled over this for a short period before putting the child down and finding myself back in a waking-dream, trying to hide my laptop under my mattress for fear that there was still an intruder in the house.

Overall it was a restless night, and when I woke up the next morning nothing seemed to be amiss except for the fact that our front door was completely unlocked. This is highly unusual in our home as my husband is extremely diligent about locking both the door lock and the dead bolt every single night. He lectures me if I forget and accidentally leave a window cracked overnight, and he has never forgotten to lock the doors before. I went to sleep before he did as he always lets the dog out one last time, so I cannot verify whether the door was locked when he went to bed or not. All I can say is that it is very surprising to me that it was left unlocked.

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* Just another note that I want to add is that my reaction to the deformed children in the second and third experiences were not necessarily typical of my personality. I am not an overly maternal person, at least not with other children who are not my own. I like children well enough and certainly feel compassion and sympathy for those who are suffering, but I am not generally one of those people who would walk over and pick up another person’s child out of the blue. I noted this fact after I wrote down each of these dreams because it just seemed odd that the urge to pick up these deformed children was completely lacking in any kind of apprehension whatsoever.

I also wanted to include this screen shot that I took yesterday of the first time I attempted to type out these experiences a little over a week ago. I stopped writing at 222 words, which I felt was worth noting, particularly following my 666 post.

666

(just FYI, this post is actually a compilation of a couple of drafts that I have saved over the last couple of weeks, so bear with me, there is a point, I think…)

I am not even sure how to begin this post but by saying that in the last few weeks some kind of flood gate has opened. Whether the flood is coming from within me or from without, all I can say at this point is, “isn’t it all the same thing?”

Well, that question in itself is a definite over-simplification and the answer is far more complicated than I could ever try to answer in one blog post, or possibly even in one lifetime for that matter.

It all started a little over a month ago when I began to be confronted with the numbers 666 and 333 over and over again. These numbers have led me down a path with so many synchronicities that I am frankly in a state of wonder. Nonetheless, I am determined to plunge ahead and continue to pull the string that is unraveling the mystery that is my life.

It began one morning when I came to work and had 666 messages in my inbox. For several days afterwards no matter how many emails I received or deleted the number would always fall back at 666. I took notice as 666 is a compelling number that has all kinds of philosophical symbolism.

To back up a bit, a while ago I began some study into ancient Kabbalism. At first this research began as sort of a random offshoot of something else I was studying, and then quickly took over as my main interest. Naturally with the number 666 repeating itself in my face over and over again, I looked into what the significance of that number is in regard to the Kabbalah.

Here is what Wikipedia says about it, for a quick and simple explanation:

“In Kabbalistic Judaism the number 666 represents the creation and perfection of the world. The world was created in 6 days, and there are 6 cardinal directions (North, South, East, West, Up, Down). 6 is also the numerical value of one of the letters of God’s name.”

This explanation immediately made me think of this:

This is a pendant that my mother gave me. This is a piece of sacred geometry made of overlapping circles to form the Flower of Life. They are arranged to form a flower-like pattern with a sixfold symmetry, similar to a hexagon. The center of each circle is on the circumference of six surrounding circles of the same diameter. It is believed that it is from the Flower of Life that the Kabbalist Tree of Life is derived. The Tree of Life is probably the most widely recognized concept of Kabbalah, and therefore was something I had been spending much time studying and contemplating.

There were more appearances of 666 over the next few days that I took note of. At this point I felt like these little synchronicities were little hints, or nudges, to continue on the way I had been going. I took them as small affirmations, you could say.

Fast forward a few weeks to this past weekend. On Saturday night I had some very interesting dreams. They were those dreams that I dream of that “other place” beyond the veil. There was quite a lot going on in these dreams, and I was left with plenty to think about once I woke up in the morning. As I lay in bed dozing (I think),  suddenly I found myself, body-less, in this spaceless space of vast whiteness that had no beginning or end. Just a neverending nothing and everything.

In front of me was what I could only describe as a being. It was all white and it looked to be 3D. The only part of it that was not white was one round eye. I think it may have been two eyes, but I had the impression that I was viewing it from the side. This was like nothing I have ever seen before. It was definitely not human, however it felt very intelligent. I had the feeling that it was possibly far more intelligent than myself, even. It was not threatening, it did not make any move towards me, it just sort of floated there looking like it did.

This entire “vision” probably lasted a split second, in all honesty, and when I came to it was that feeling of being shocked or shoved back into my body after being out, astrally roaming wherever I roam. The vision stuck with me through the day and I had an undeniable urge to draw it. I am not an artist, I cannot draw … well, anything, but I drew this being:

It was all white in my vision, but I colored it just for fun after I drew it because it seemed so boring on the page all by itself. After I colored it I closed the sketch book and went on with my day.

Later in the evening my husband found the drawing and was almost ridiculously appreciative of it. He kept telling me how much he liked it and how good it was, to which I more or less responded with, “Really? Are you kidding me? It looks like our 4-year-old drew it!” Unabashed, he has been showing it to everyone that comes over, much to my chagrin. I am really only mentioning his appreciation of it because it just seems strange to me. He does not usually think my drawings are awesome, to put it another way.

Fast forward another few days to this morning. I woke up early and went for my books. Morning is the best time of day for be to get studying in as it’s nearly impossible to concentrate on anything once my son is awake. I pick up where I left off recently about the paths between the Sephirot on the Tree of Life. I had been more or less ignoring the images while I read the text, when suddenly I look at the corner of the page and see this:

Yeah, that doesn’t look AT ALL familiar, does it?? Remember that my drawing was all white, I just chose to color it in for fun.

This symbol represents the path of Aleph:

Now, I am nearly 100% certain that I have never seen this symbol before. It is located toward the end of the book that I am reading and I have not skipped ahead at all. The other books that I have been reading do not really contain illustrations such as this one, as they are more on the history of Kabbalah than on the technicalities of the philosophy.

Rather an interesting coincidence, no? I mean, if I was trying to copy the drawing in the book I would have copied the drawing in the book. I was drawing  from memory, a vague, split-second memory….

Anyway, I take it as a sign that I am on the right track with my studies, and now that I get to the end of this post I am not sure what the point is. All I can say is that I seem to be pointed (directed?) down a path of knowledge that is leading to experiences that make me more joyful by the day. I have felt a definite cutting away of excess in every area of my life, breeding more freedoms and deeper understandings. These understandings are being verified every step of the way, in ways like the one above, for which I can only be grateful.

Perhaps there is something to just letting life flow, taking note of the hints along the way to follow them to your destiny… ? (Wow… that was cheesy, and with that thought I am ending this post).

 

 

 

 

 

 

The New Moon and the Gateway to the Typically Invisible

It has long been believed that the full moon brings the wildness out of the cracks in reality. It is the time of the month when the energy is the strongest in the space between here and the ether, which is really not a space at all. It is a time when whatever it is on the other side of this thin veil we use to “separate” us becomes taut and cracked from the pressure behind it and whatever is on the other side is able to bleed through more than usual. There have been times when I felt like I could almost reach through and touch the other side, but was afraid to because I was worried that venturing too far into the veil was not a smart idea.

For reasons that I can only wildly  guess at, I feel like the tide has somewhat turned in the last year or two, and my most potent experiences often (but not always) happen during the new moon. I have had many extremely vivid astral and visionary experiences during the new moon that have been both releavatory and bewildering, but in either case, I have come to pay attention.

(this images reminds me of my dreams last night- dark and anxious)

With the coming new moon occurring on my 29th birthday, on the brink of Mars going retrograde and my own Saturn return looming in the foreground, I don’t know whether to feel apprehensive or ……… something else.

I feel like this upcoming date is really going to mean something to me personally. I feel like I have been given bits and pieces and then handfuls of symbolic information that I have been left to try to assemble into something that I can only hope is meant to point me down the road to truth. I very  much feel like I am on the brink of something… possibly something drastic.

I am not saying “drastic” in an ominous way at all, probably the opposite, to be honest. I just feel more than ever that I can feel the “spirit world,” or whatever you want to call it, pressing in on me ever closer. I have actually started to worry, as I sometimes do, that I am actually going insane. More than anything I think this is because I have been conditioned over my lifetime to believe that if you see and hear and experience things that other people cannot, then you are hallucinating.

Although I have not 100% ruled out the fact that there could be something wrong with me, I recently went to the doctor who put me through some tests and determined that there was nothing wrong with my brain. Their suggestion was that whatever I am experiencing is hormonal. I can’t deny it. There are a lot of significant things happening astrologically and with me personally all in the span of a couple of days which are fast approaching.

Will this weekend bring within me some kind of initiation into the spirit realm? Will my abilities increase or develop finally into something that makes sense? I only have the most primitive of guesses, but I do have a lot of visionary stuff that I need to do some research on over the next few days. Hopefully whatever I find will be something I can articulate.

Hypnagogia and Vivid Realities/Dreams.

This morning I woke up, looked at the clock (5:32 AM) and got out of bed like usual, making my way through the dark house to the kitchen so I could put the teapot on. I don’t know exactly why I got out of bed at this time as usually I wait until at least 6:30 or 7:00.

As I was making my way from my bedroom into the living room, I heard what obviously sounded like a helicopter. A helicopter RIGHT ABOVE OUR HOUSE. It was loud and getting louder, and I called to my husband as I ran to the front window to see if I could see anything.

As I looked out the window I clearly saw something landing in our yard. It had yellowish lights that were shining onto the ground, and although I couldn’t make out the exact shape of it because it was so foggy outside, I still assumed it was a helicopter because of the sound.

I watched it for only a couple of seconds, trying to figure out what was going on and thinking to myself that it must be some kind of life-flight, ambulatory helicopter. To me that was the only reason that it would be landing in our yard. It also occurred to me that the helicopter pilot would have to be extremely good at his job seeing as how they would have to avoid the large metal “bike cage” in front of our apartment. I can imagine that it would be no simple task with the fog as thick as it was.

I had time only for those two quick thoughts before suddenly I was in my bed, flat on my back, paralyzed. My arms were folded across my stomach and I was staring straight up at the ceiling. To my right, out of the corner of my eye, I could see an EXTREMELY BRIGHT WHITE LIGHT. It seemed like an LED flashlight or something as it was pretty small- it didn’t light up the whole room or anything, it just stayed right next to me, at my temple.

I was instantly a little panicked at not being able to move, but I quickly calmed myself down and told myself that I needed to try to WILL myself to move. I tried moving, I tried making a sound, I willed myself with everything I had to roll over or move my leg to try to wake my husband up- but I could barely budge an inch. All the while the bright white light stayed constant at my side.

I assumed that someone was holding the light- because I didn’t know how the light could get there on its own. I remember thinking something along the lines of “I can’t believe this is happening while I am awake,” because usually I really feel as though I am dreaming and this felt very real. I was staring at the white light fixture on my ceiling and it looked perfectly ordinary and normal.

I was starting to get frustrated when BOOM. I wake up with a start and I am in my bed, laying on my back. Everything is perfectly normal. I pick up my cell phone and look at the clock: 7:14 AM.

At this point I am trying to figure out what just happened. I must have been dreaming… and eventually I figure out that I was, in fact, dreaming.

The only reason I know that I was dreaming for sure is because I walked myself back through the entire experience and realized that when I ran up to my front window to look at the “helicopter” I ran up to the window and put my hands on the windowsill and looked directly out. If this had occurred in “reality” I would have had to open the blinds and there is a desk in front of the window that I would have been leaning on instead of the windowsill itself.

Other than those two details, this felt incredibly real. I feel like it has given me some insight into how some people who think they are abductees may not, in fact, be literally abducted. I am not saying that this is the case for all people who have had “visitors,” I am just saying that at least for myself, I feel that many of my experience happen between waking and sleep when dream sequences can have an extremely life-like feel to them. More often than not these kinds of “dreams” take place in a bedroom or house that looks very much like the one I inhabit- with only small details changed or missing.

I have been having these kind of “waking dreams” with more frequency over the last month or so. My son and husband have also reported an uptick in disturbing nightmares and dreams. One that particularly disturbed my 4-year-old is a dream about “orange people who came and destroyed the whole city.”

I feel like there is a shift of energy upon us. You can only look to the macrocosm of what is going on in the world to see this for yourself, and perhaps how it is reflecting itself in the microcosm that is your life.

Anyone else having weird experiences out there??

edited to add- it was, in fact, quite foggy out this morning. I took this photo a couple of hours later- around 8AM.

El fin de la interrupción.

I have taken about a six month hiatus from writing here. The main reason being that sometimes, particularly in the blogosphere, you can end up writing just to make yourself write. I think the content of this writing, for myself in any case, often becomes akin to “talking to hear your own voice.” In other words, I felt that if I didn’t have anything intelligent to say, it was better to say nothing at all.

I have gone through a period of reflection the last several months. I have spent most of my time (other than for work purposes) away from the computer and enjoyed the beautiful spring and summer weather we had here in the Pacific Northwest. Alas, the rain is now upon us once again and I find myself in the inevitable place of introspection.

That, and things are starting to get crazy.

For quite a long time there has been a feeling amongst the masses that something is not right with the world. Most people can tell that there is something wrong, but they cannot seem to put their finger on it, therefore they do not actually do anything about it. How could they, how would they even know where to start?

We have come to live in a world that is so bogged down in its “meat space” of rationality and boring scientific explanations that they are literally unable to see that we have become completely blind to what is going on in the (mostly) invisible world around us, not to mention what is slowly but surely slipping away within us.

To demonstrate my point, I would like to use The Neverending Story as an example of what I mean. As a child of the 80’s, this was one of my favorite movies of all time. (However it was first a book, written by Michael Ende. I have not read the book.)

For any who have not seen this movie, I highly recommend that you do. The plot can basically be broken down with the following description, however you could honestly analyze this story until the cows come home as the symbolism is rampant throughout the entire story. But, for the sake of this blog post, I am going to keep things as simple as possible in order to illustrate my point. (For a more in-depth plot summary, feel free to visit Wikipedia’s).

The main character of the story is a boy named Bastian who is living a rather dreary life in modern-day America. One day, while hiding from bullies he chances upon a creepy bookstore with an equally creepy bookkeeper who introduces him to an ancient book that he warns could be “dangerous.”  Sebastian then basically steals the book and runs off to read it in his school attic.

Once he begins reading this story, the rest of the movie mostly takes place in the parallel world of Fanstasia, which he is quickly drawn into. Fantasia is in the process of being destroyed by the Nothing, which is meant to represent people’s greed, apathy, and  lack of imagination in the “real world.”

Fantasia has a child empress who has become very ill due to the situation described above, so she sends a young warrior boy named Atreyu to stop the Nothing. In the end, it is only a real human child (Bastian) who can stop the Nothing by giving the empress a new name, and from there he then crosses over into the parallel world which he begins to rebuild with his imagination.

My point in using this particular film as a reference is that throughout the story the world in which these characters live is being eaten up by nothingness, yet many of the characters that Bastian/Atreyu encounter have no knowledge of this. Some may seem to know that something is amiss, but they think they can do nothing to stop it, so they do nothing, even if the world is crumbling right in front of their eyes.

Now, to bring this back around to a recent, modern day experience of my own:

The other day I was riding my bike to work. It had rained heavily the night before and the roads were still wet and slick in many places, yet I had managed to make it about 85% of the way without incident. As I was closing in on the home stretch, I was in a bike lane to the right of a two lane, one-way road going in the same direction. The lane immediately to my left was a lane that is also shared by train tracks used by our light rail line. These kinds of tracks are known to be treacherous to bicyclists because the grooves they make in the street are the perfect width to catch a bike tire.

This particular morning I noticed that up ahead there was some construction going on about half a block ahead of me in the bike lane. In order to avoid the construction, I would have to move over, across the train tracks. Well, as luck would (not) have it, I hit the tracks at the wrong angle and crashed my bike, hard, on the pavement.

My first reaction was a kind of shock. I had landed HARD on my right thigh and my right hand. I looked at my hand and it looked bad, but it didn’t seem to be bleeding thanks to the fact that I had worn fingerless gloves that morning. Weirdly my first reaction was to look up at a man who I had seen on the sidewalk right before I crashed. He was no more than three feet from me, putting coins into the meter and did not even look in my direction. No concern necessary, I guess.

Proof of bike injuries:

Next I looked down the block to where the construction that I had been trying to avoid was taking place. I saw one of the workers point at me and nudge his buddy, to which they both audibly chuckled. Nice.

Finally I realized I needed to pick myself up and drag my bike over to the sidewalk before a got run over by a train or a car. I managed to pull my bike onto the sidewalk before I had to put my head between my legs to help catch my breath. When I finally stood up again the man had come back to put more coins in his meter and looked at me strangely and said, “Hi.” A greeting that I begrudgingly and sarcastically returned. He didn’t mention anything about the crash or ask if I was alright, although he could not have missed that spectacle if he had tried.

I thought that odd.

Living where I do, there are tons of bike commuters. People ride their bikes everywhere. It’s really quite nice. However, with all the bike traffic, I have certainly been witness to more than one bike accident. My immediate response each time is to run over and help the person get out of the street, and to make sure they are ok. I have seen other patrons do this exact thing to help fallen bikers many many times. This was what I thought was the norm. That is, until I walked (limped) by the group of construction workers (who I irrationally feel like blaming for my crash). They had certainly witness my accident, I had seen them point at me, yet none of the three said a thing.

What the hell? Yes, thank you. I’m FINE. Just walking my broken bike…

After relaying this story to a few friends and coworkers, who were equally appalled by the reaction, or lack thereof, of the witnesses to this accident, I started to think, what is going on here???

What did I come up with?

Short story: The Nothing.

Long story: My theory is this: I do not think the behavior of these men is typical of a regular Portlander, or even a regular human being, which is why I was so struck by it. It is not necessarily that I needed them to help me, although the story would have been much different had I hit my head or been knocked unconscious. It just shocked me that something obviously phsycially painful happened to someone right in front of their faces and they didn’t even flinch! The absurdity of it is almost funny.

Now, I don’t mean to let these people off unnecessarily, but I do feel like maybe people are so bombarded with information and visuals, and so desensitized to things by living so much of their lives digitally, that they don’t know how to react when something happens right in front of their face. Crashes/violence and the like happen all the time on TV, in the movies, and in photos online, and the viewers don’t have to do anything but passively watch. So that is exactly what they did in this situation.

There is something happening here. There is something of our humanity that is disintegrating. Something is eating away at our empathy. Something that we should at least be attempting to save, just like Fantasia. I think within all of us there is an Empress/Atreyu/Bastian trifecta. Each of us carries within us the prism of the victim, the observer, and the hero. Each of us plays these roles at different parts in our lives, or at least we should at some point. When we start forget what we are as humans, when we let our world fall apart before our eyes, all that is left is Nothing.

I want to explore this idea of the victim/observer/hero trifecta in future posts. I hope you stay tuned.

Lucid Out of Body Experience

Ok, I am going to do my best to recount this very profound and difficult to articulate experience to the best of my abilities.

On the night of the full moon I had a completely lucid out-of-body experience. This was something that is and was 100% new to me. I have never in my life had an experience like this one, and it left me both invigorated and totally freaked out. It has taken me nearly a week to even come to terms enough with this experience to put it into words. Perhaps this was some kind of elaborate hallucination, but it was not a dream, my husband can attest to that much because I was speaking to him during the experience.

Prior to the experience I was standing in my living room, talking with my husband and my neighbor who was visiting. My neighbor is an amateur artist, and was explaining to me the very complicated process that her art takes and the many steps she must go through to create the desired end product.

As I listened to her speak, I suddenly started feeling very strange. Admittedly, I was actually getting pretty bored because she went on and on and on and I was trying to pay attention but at some point I just sort-of stopped comprehending what she was saying, but was trying to appear as though I was politely interested.  It got to the point where I could barely hold my head up, and as she turned around to talk to my husband, I left the room and went to lie on my bed because I felt so strange that I didn’t think I would be able to talk.

As I lay in bed, I could feel the “essence” of me vibrating. My “body” was buzzing like crazy and it felt like I was coming apart on a molecular level. It was not painful, but felt very strange. Suddenly I became aware that I was not inhabiting my body, but seemed to be in a kind of mist form, floating just above my body. I could not see my body with my eyes, but could feel it there, near me. In my mind’s eye I was shown a series of visions and given intuitive information.

I could hear very clearly the basketball game that my husband was watching in the next room, but it seemed far away and separate from me in a way that is hard to explain. I became aware on a whole new level of understanding, how the physics of this world work and how everything is a vibrational frequency and essentially composed of sound. I don’t know if this is correct or not, but this is the impression that I was given at the time.

As I realized that my being was hovering in a kind of mist, I saw that the very particles that make up my essence, my personality, whatever it is that makes me ME- were all made up of memories and daydreams and endless possibilities that could be created and/or destroyed in any  moment. I became aware that every possibility or possible scenario that had ever come into being through my own creation, by dreams, day dreams, musing, imagination, etc., were no less real to me than this physical world that I currently spend most of my time inhabiting.

I could see the particles of my being spiraling outward in a sort of fractal, every memory and possibility could instantly be reality if I were to choose it.

At some point I became concerned that perhaps I was dying. I remember thinking maybe I was having a brain aneurism or something- that maybe I was fine one minute and would be dead the next! It was then that I realized I could go back into my body. It was very strange to whoosh back in and open my eyes and see the room around me. I can’t accurately describe how weird this felt. In my body I was completely lucid and asked my husband to bring me a glass of water. I told him that I was worried that I was dying and he didn’t seem to think that was the case, and told me to just relax. He handed me the glass of water and my hand was wobbling so badly I could barely take a drink and ended up spilling water all over myself.

I then laid back down, once again voicing that I thought perhaps I was dying (something that was again, not taken seriously, but I guess that is my fault for having this experience in the midst of the NBA playoffs, heh)- and when I closed my eyes, the same thing happened as before. I became a mist, a vibrational being that could go anywhere and do anything it wanted, I could choose any one of a million possible scenarios. However, I chose to stay with my body because I was not sure what would become of it if I left her there. It became apparent to me that my identity in this body, on this plane of reality was akin to putting on a mask. This is a mask that I have chosen to wear, and therefore unless I am really truly ready to give it up forever, I have to stay nearby. I was also concerned about my son in a detached sort of way- it is not my intention to leave him motherless- I was not sure what would happen to my body, it was clearly still breathing, and my heart was still beating- even though I was not in there.

I became aware that the physical bodies that we see are only a sort of compact calcification form of us. A kind of inside-out shell, and there is much more to our being than these bodies. There is a large energy field around each of us and as we move through this world of ours it is as if we are drawn of chalk and then smudged from one place to another, leaving our residue behind… that’s the best way I can explain it, anyway.

I  know this sounds completely weird, and I don’t have any real idea of whether what I experienced was truth, but I do feel like I have been given a few shards of a much larger picture to ponder for a bit. Whew.

Hypnagogia

I cannot tell you how many times I have started to write a post about this “state of mind” only to abandon it because I feel like either A.) A lunatic (even though I know I am not one, I still shy away from making myself look like one to others and B.) It can be so complex that I simply cannot pull the pieces apart to effectively explain what it is I experience in this state.

Hypnagogia is defined by Wikipedia (my go-to) as the transitional state between wakefulness and sleep. The equivalent transition to wakefulness is termed the hypnopompic state. Mental phenomena that occur during this “threshold consciousness” phase include lucid dreaming, hallucinations (hallucinations I think is subjective, but I will get to that later), out of body experiences and sleep paralysis.

I have experienced all of the above, sometimes all of them in the same night. I have had these experiences since I was a very young child. In my oldest memories of it I could not have been more than seven or eight years old.

One of the other “symptoms” that I have also experienced is the dream within a dream within a dream sequence. This can vary wildly from being amusing to being downright terrifying. I have often found myself waking from a troubling dream to find myself safely in my bed, only to have something go terribly awry right there in my bedroom and for me to wake up yet again, safe in my bedroom, where something AGAIN happens to freak me out, and then I FINALLY wake up the third time for REAL. The first two times I “wake up” from these dreams I must be in a hypnagogic state because I can see. I believe my eyes are open, but I am still “dreaming” therefore what I am perceiving is a mixture of physical reality and my unconscious mind.

What is most strage to me about this state of mind is that although I do think that much of what I have experienced has been actual dreaming, some of what I have experienced I believe is up to a different kind of interpretation. I believe that when we enter a hypnagogic state we become open (whether we like to or not) to more subtle energies that can enter through our unconscious and communicate with us. In the wikipedia article it is mentioned that many of the symptoms that occur while in a hypnagogic state can be consitered to be “hallucinations” or things that are  created by our own minds. However, I would like to postulate that perhaps there is quite a bit more to it than that.

For example, the other night I was just drifting off to sleep and was extremely relaxed when suddenly I realized that a very detailed story was being told to me. It was a man speaking, and he was telling me about his son who had become involved in some less-than-desirable business and had moved to SanFransisco to open a store with the intent of using it to launder money for the mob. Now, let me tell you I have little interest and even a smaller amount of knowledge about organized crime and it is not something I ever think of, yet now I have this quite detailed story in my mind. Where did it come from? My subconscious? I think it is quite a strange bed time story for me to be telling myself, don’t you?

Something about this story stuck with me, because I was not QUITE hypnagogic, or at least not deeply so, when this story was being told to me- however I became struck by what was happening and came out of it only to have the man who was talking try to spell his son’s name for me. I couldn’t make it out- it was like Orvis or something like Pervious or something… (sorry guy! all I got was an O and a V!). Anyway, the experience of this strange “communication” brought forward the realization that this happens with me OFTEN. In fact, I cannot nap during the day, and have a very hard time doing so, even when I am exhausted because these kinds of experiences take place. In fact, I think that may have been what was happening when I posted here.

Often times I only remember snippets and then forget about it thinking “Oh that was just a dream…” but the more I remember and investigate these things the more links I find in the real world.

Although this is not the most coherent post on this subject, and I do apologize, I am curious to know if any other intuitives/sensitives out there tend to have these symptons, and/or experience their communications whilst in a hypnagogic state? Or maybe they are just hallucinations? I am not completely ruling ANYTHING out, I am open to other interpretations, obviously.

Anyway, I wanted to write about this because last night I had a dream withing a dream within a dream while I was sleeping on my couch and it was all quite strange. I believe they say only about 6% of people experience this sort of thing frequently, although 60% of people say they have experienced it at some point. This is far from 100% of people, but it is still a majority, and I have a hard time thinking that science has a full grasp of what is happening here.

Tsunami

Wow. I don’t think there are many in the world that are not completely riveted and distressed by the devastation that has taken place in Japan in the last couple of days. (Way to take our mind of Libya for a minute, eh?). It’s heart breaking, and it feels as if the world is catapulting into a strange new era, doesn’t it?

I dream of tsunamis and earthquakes quite often. I would be lying if I said that I feel as if I have predicted them, because I only just very recently began making any kind of correlation between what happens within the microcosm of my being in relation to the macrocosm that is the world at large.

I had a very vivid dream of a earthquake/tsunami a little less than a month ago. I did not initially post it here, but did post it elsewhere.

This was my dream as previously posted on 2.15.11:

I had (yet another) Tsunami dream last night. I have had many, but this is the first one that I was able to successfully escape from. I was on what I perceived to be an island. It was tropical, but cooler, and I was surrounded by people indigenous to the area. I got the feeling that I was there working on some kind of film- a documentary, maybe?

Anyway, we were all gathered in a small, shallow cove when we felt the earthquake hit. I knew immediately what would follow, and began urging people to higher ground. At first people just looked at me and stayed put. Then another shock hit and they started listening. I remember looking out to sea and seeing the first huge set of waves. I began gesturing wildly for people to run uphill, and people actually listened this time. I was astonished at how well they were following my directions, in fact.

Everyone began rushing uphill and I kept urging them higher and higher while I ran into a school on the end of the cove to make sure that all of the children and teachers were moving to higher ground as well. Everyone made it out in time, but I was still in the school as the waves were coming towards it- now level with the school which was pretty high above the water, usually.

Of course after the fact I could analyze this dream to death. I was on an island that seemed tropical, but was cool in temperature… Japan in the winter, anyone? Surrounded my indigenous people- in my dream the people were just sort of ambiguously NOT the same ethnicity as myself, but I couldn’t really tell what they were (I am vanilla- a blend of white European, mostly). There were video cameras, we were filming something- this could relate to the live coverage of the earthquake and tsunami that has since been aired ad nauseum. The school and everyone making it out OK- here in the Pacific NW they were evacuating people on the coast to elementary schools up on higher ground… and nobody was killed in the U.S. from the tsunami, I don’t think… (maybe one person who should not have been walking on the beach during a tsunami alert!).

Anyway, there are so many facts that make sense in the dream that correlate to what happened in real life- but not any good specifics. I had no idea exactly where, or WHEN, or, well, anything.

Also, in the original dream I ended up in the water after the school- in a sort of harbor with a bunch of debris, and I then wrestled a vicious and enormous Anaconda and was saved by Brad Pitt who was high on mushrooms at the time. SO WHERE DOES THAT STUFF FIT IN? Obviously it was a DREAM- but still, I clearly pay a lot of attention to my dreams (thus this blog full of them) but I still have no idea what they mean half of the time.

I don’t know if I am subconsciously experiencing an awakening of sorts that is personal or if I am predicting events. I remember my dreams quite well and it is not unusual for me to find myself in situations in my life that I have LITERALLY dreamed of previously, down to the smallest detail. Yet, these dreams are always completely mundane and so is the reality- so what is the point of that?

I think perhaps the point is that we have probably all always had these sorts of abilities- but we have, over the last couple thousand years or so, forgotten that we had them and DEFINITELY forgot how to use them. Not that anyone has ever been able to pinpoint disasters all too well (even Edgar Cayce has been wrong on the dates before)- but perhaps these abilities at one time were of more use, and perhaps they will be in the future.

Who is to say? I wish there was a guide book for this stuff. Anyone out there have one? No? Didn’t think so. : )

Lucid Dreaming

Last night I had one of the longest and most vivid lucid dreaming experiences I have ever had… and it was a very strange dream- let me tell you! I have been reading a lot of fiction the last few days and have also been writing quite a bit of fiction, and I feel like some of these stories have managed to tangle themselves together in my dream, while injecting a bit of my personal life as well.

The dream began with me standing on a grassy knoll next do a small river. On the other side of the river was an adorable little community of white houses with tiled roofs and cute little gardens with pens of animals. It was very agrarian and seemed very sweet and peaceful. Not quite Hobbit-ish, but somewhat reminiscent of The Shire. I wanted to go across the river- and suddenly I found myself on the other side.  I then began to explore- and this is when the dream became Lucid. I started looking around, climbing up hills to get a better view. I was thinking “Yes! This is where I want to live! I have found it. This is perfect!” There was some kind of  celebration going on in the village and I went into town to see what was going on. I went underneath a kind of awning that was overlooking the river and my son and husband were there. I went over to them and started hugging my husband and went to kiss him, and he shied away from me. I was confused by this and I must have asked him what was going on because he answered me and said, ” We got divorced a long time ago Jen. Back on Earth when you were in your early 30’s.” (I just turned 28 in real life). He then cited the reason being the main point of contention in our marriage (on his end) as the reason why we had broken up. I thought this was strange for multiple reasons, but mostly he didn’t look much older, and our son was still very small- so I was confused about the timing.

Anyway, I was saddened by news of our divorce but was more concerned about what he meant about “BACK ON EARTH.” I was like “Waitaminute! What do you mean BACK ON EARTH??” and he sort-of rolled his eyes and said something along the lines of “We’ve been over this…” and my imagination is racing all over the place because I am like, well, if we aren’t on Earth we must be on some other water planet which is a hell of a ways away so maybe we really WERE all saved by ETs… but then I zeroed in on the “We’ve been over this” statement and became concerned that perhaps I had dementia in this story line.

My husband had walked off around the corner of a stone building attached to the awning and I followed after him, wanting to ask more questions- but he made it clear he did not have time to talk right now and handed me our son. I became concerned that perhaps he had a new  family somewhere- (how RUDE! I thought) but then again, maybe I had a new family too- WHO KNOWS– this dream is weird.

Then a small hovercraft that looked somewhat like an old fashioned one-seater airplane hovered over the villiage and a human in military-like garb landed it in the middle of the little celebration. People immediately scattered. It did not seem to be that they were scattering in panic, but more like, “Oh great… party’s over, let’s go home.” I decided I should find some kind of shelter since I didn’t know what these military guys were about and found my way to a stone library.

There was apparently a little secret door that you could go through, but it was very small- large enough for my son, but it would be conspicuous if I were to go through- and it seemed like I shouldn’t.  I think he must’ve gone through though because he was suddenly gone. I decided to go through the front doors of the library and found myself in a contemporary office setting. There were women sitting behind desks in their offices and I walked into one of the offices to explain that my son had gone down into the library (which I was assuming was in the basement, since the main floor was an office) and that I needed to go and find him. Then these women all took out their cell phones and started taking my picture- suspiciously- and I was pissed and told them to stop and then turned went out a side door to see if I could find my son that way.

I then found myself in a large discount- clothing store and as I was looking around my purse spilled out onto the ground.  I have a small zipper-pouch of crystals that I carry around in my purse everywhere I go that somehow came unzipped scattering quartz all over the place, as well as this round polished marble stone my son likes to carry around with him. I managed to pick up all the stones and put them back into  my bag. I then looked around the store a little bit before deciding there wasn’t anything I needed in there and walked out.

Then I found myself walking outside in the grass and came up to a house with people hanging out in the side yard. These appeared to be friends of mine, although I didn’t really recognize them. I then realized that all of the men had only shaved half of their faces, and the other halves were stubbly. I asked them why they did this and it appeared to be a joke. I think I woke up after this.

Completely unrelated…. (?):

I had sleep paralysis after the above dream and I woke up and was completely paralyzed and could barely breathe. I had the feeling that “something” was there in the room with us. I could feel my son thrashing around next to me, whining in his sleep and I KNEW something was in the room with us and that he sensed it too. I then felt like my entire body was electrocuted. I felt buzzing energy flying and and down my entire body and a lot of pressure in my abdominal area. I squeezed my eyes shut as another round of electrocution coursed through me. Twice total. I then started to panic a little  bit because I couldn’t breathe- and a moment later I was awake and conscious and fine. Sleep paralysis is really the worst. Gah!

** Oh! I also had another dream afterward that involved my son’s polished marble – it’s really a polished round rock that is the size and shape of a marble. Anyway- in the dream we were passing it around a circle of people and every time someone else held it it would transform into a completely different shape with different crystals and geodes and whatnot. Very cool. I wish it did that in real life! It would be quite the ROCK! : )

Fetus dreams and Paranormal.

The last few weeks I have had intermittent dreams that I was pregnant and could feel the baby moving inside me. For anyone that has ever been pregnant, you know that sometimes you have “phantom fetal movements” even years after you give birth. In most cases, let’s be honest, it’s probably gas.

These “dreams” have been so vivid that I can almost swear that I am awake. These dreams have been happening once every few weeks or so, until this week. This week I have dreamed that I was pregnant three nights in a row- and they were not comforting dreams either.

The first dream, on Sunday night, I dreamed that I was laying in a white tiled room on a kind of step. It reminded me of what the inside of a steam room looks like with giant steps (seats) all around. I was laying on the slab and a doctor (nurse? technician?) was examining my abdomen with an ultrasound. As they touched my belly with the ultrasound device I looked onto a monitor to see a fully formed baby’s head with an open eye looking right at me. I was SHOCKED. This eye was huge, human and dark. I turned away from it in shock. It really gave me the creeps. Not a feeling one should feel when looking at their fetus.

I freaked out and told the technician that I did not know that I was pregnant. The person told me that I was due to give birth any day- and I was stunned. I remember saying “But I have been drinking [cocktails] this whole time! I hope it’s OK! (“It” meaning the baby).” The technician did not seem to care about this one way or the other and left the room.

I then woke up in my bed with my heart beating like crazy- I was relieved, to say the least.

Skip ahead to the next night, and I THINK that I am just laying in bed, but again I must be dreaming because I feel the baby moving again. I felt very much to me like a near-term baby was in there. My skin felt tight and when the baby stretched I felt that feeling that is not quite pain but is definitely not comfortable- around the time they take up ALL the room in your body and still seem to want more.

I laid there pondering this feeling when suddenly I was struck with what felt like an electrical jolt in the side of the neck. I have felt this before when dealing with poltergeist activity in our old (haunted) house. The jolt was accompanied with a flash of bright white light on the other side of my eyelids and then I found myself lucid, laying in my bed.

Then Tuesday night- all hell seemed to be breaking lose in our apartment. There was loud banging on the walls of our apartment (the interior walls, it could not have been our neighbors). There was a HUGE sound of the TV in our bedroom being hit by something large and hard- it was so loud that my cat (who was laying on my feet) jumped about 2 feet in the air. I have never seen my animals react to things before. My husband and son remained asleep.

Last night was also strange. For a while I have felt that there is a shadowy figure that will walk past my bedroom door at night. I get up and look around and there is never anything there. Last night I swear I saw it walk INTO my bedroom but when I turned to look, it was gone.

I don’t know what is going on, really. I don’t know how much any of these things are related, if at all. The energy in my home has just been strange- electric, almost. Let’s just say I am keeping my eyes and ears open, and not trying to read TOO much into any one thing or another.